Childhood Fears

I was a horrible child.  I don't know how many of you know that.  But it's true, my siblings can attest to this fact.  I was afraid of everything.  The wind, the water, the boat.  Mostly I was afraid of one particular location at which we would vacation every year.  Quake Lake in Montana.  We went to Yellowstone every year, and every year my dad would make us camp at Quake Lake.  I'm pretty sure he did it to torture me, and by proxy, my mother.   I would scream and cry the whole way there, and I wouldn't sleep at all during the night.  It always rained, and I was scared of the rain anyway, but this place made it downright frightening!

I've been back as an adult, and I still find it just as frightening, and I certainly would never ever camp there, but it's an interesting place to visit.  If you don't know about this place, here is a good link with all sorts of creepy pictures.  Imagine a child with an overly active imagination and a fear of everything seeing pictures like these.  Oy.

Wendy and I did a quick trip to Yellowstone a couple of weeks ago.  By quick, I mean over night and one whole day quick.  We have a daughter due to give birth at any time, so we have to remain within pretty close proximity.  We  did decide to take the first evening to drive up to Quake Lake before we checking into our motel.  I warned her about my fear.  Turns out, I'm still pretty freaked out by the whole thing.  Even having her there with me, I had to force a smile, but I had to have a picture to prove that I was in fact there.

This is in front of one of the ruined houses that fell into the lake the night of the earthquake.  Creeeepy.  

We spent the next day speedily exploring Yellowstone so we could make it home before too late.  We got to see all the things we enjoy, and got to see new things too!  She had never waded in the Firehole river, and neither of us had seen Beehive Geyser erupt, so that was fun!  It was a good quick trip.  We enjoyed the time away.  

Now we just wait for the new baby, and pray that he won't have the same childhood fears that I had!  

Christmas Vows

I got married at Christmastime 16 years ago.  I married a good man, and we had a good marriage.  But that whole day was strange.  I never really felt emotional about it.  Just sort of disconnected.

I got married at Christmastime a week ago.  We said our vows in front of a beautiful Christmas tree with a minister there to have us speak our vows to one another.  It was very emotional for me.  And for my new wife.  She has never been married, never wanted to be married in fact, until our relationship came along, and we both knew we couldn't go a lifetime together without saying those vows of commitment to one another.

Some of you know, some of you may not understand, that just before Christmas, a federal judge overturned Utah's gay marriage ban and said it was unconstitutional.  Religion aside, this was a big deal for a lot of people.  Especially Wendy and I.  We had a feeling we would have only a small window of time to legally commit to each other, so we decided to go for it.  The judgement came on a Friday night.  Saturday and Sunday the county clerks office was closed.  We decided to go first thing Monday morning to get our license.  When we arrived, the clerks office was still closed.  After a call to the Cache County Attorney's office, I was told the clerks office was awaiting further instruction from the Governors office before issuing any licenses.  I was clear with them when I informed them a stay had already been denied, and by not issuing any licenses, they were in contempt of court.  The woman agreed, but said there was nothing they could do.

I was disappointed, but I knew it would work out, so we went about our day.  The next day, Christmas Eve, I called the clerks office first thing, and got a message that the office would be closed all day.  Again I called the Attorney's office, and was told they wouldn't be issuing licenses, but we could go to Weber or Davis or Salt Lake counties to get one.  I knew she was right, but we live here, we work here, we raise our family here, so we should be able to get married here.  Again I was disappointed, but we went about enjoying our morning with the kids.

At 10:00 AM, I got a text from a friend that works for an attorney's office.  She said she heard the clerks office was issuing licenses but only until noon.  We gathered up our paperwork, and headed out as quickly as we could.  We arrived 5 minutes too late.  Again, disappointment.  We knew they would be closed for Christmas, and had no idea if another stay would be denied or what.  Part of me thought we missed our chance for good.  But it was okay.  We enjoyed our Christmas together and had a great holiday.

December 26th, a stay had been denied a second time, so we knew we could still get a license.  We planned it for 8:30 in the morning.  We gathered up our papers, called our witnesses and our minister, and went for it.  We filled out the application.  Our witnesses signed, our minister signed, and we started our ceremony.

I looked at Wendy, and I knew in my heart that I loved her more this day than yesterday, and I know today I love her more than that day.  The minister read off simple sweet scripture and simple vows that we repeated back to each other.  I was so emotional, I could barely get the words out.  It wasn't a fancy wedding; we didn't have 100 guests; there wasn't an orchestra or an aisle to walk down.  But as I placed that ring on her finger, my heart and soul were solidified in commitment to this woman I love.

We are married.  Legally and lawfully married.  I honestly never thought I would get married again.  I never thought I would legally be able to, and I never thought I would love someone enough to want to.  To have it all come together so imperfectly perfectly, it was a Christmas miracle.

I know a lot of you think this goes against what God wants for us.  I believe in God, and I also believe that God brought Wendy and I together, and that he wants us to be happy together.  He doesn't want anyone to be alone for eternity.  I know our vows say specifically "til death do you part", but I have faith that God will be understanding of a persons heart and love in this life and carry it on through eternity as he sees fit.

Love is love, and I love this woman more than there are words.  My heart breathes a sigh of relief every time I see her.  That is what love is all about.

Here Goes Nothing

I've been deciding how exactly to go about this post.  It's been 2 years in the making, and I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm confident in myself enough to talk about it.  The last 2 years have been so hard.  So very hard.  Actually, the last 5 years have been hard, since losing my mom to cancer, life sort of just changed.  The last 2 really take the cake, though.  I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.  So that's where I'll begin.

 

Have you ever had that moment when you knew in your soul, deep deep down, that you weren't on the right path?  You know that time when it's like instant clarity, and you feel trapped and you know you have to finally be authentic to what you believe?  I had that.  It was visceral.  It was a physical feeling that I could not deny.  I had everything in the world anyone could want, but I knew it wasn't who I was, and I was tired of pretending. Something had to change. 

 

For most of my life I've been struggling with these feelings I have.  Being raised in the church, I was taught to do certain things, and that these feelings would go away.  I did all the things I should do; I married a returned missionary, we got married worthily in the temple, we went to church, held callings, attended the temple, I had children and tried so hard to be the perfect wife.  But something wasn't right.  We struggled as married partners.  We were, and still are, good friends, but anything beyond that just felt wrong to me.  Of course, looking back, it's plain to see I needed to be more honest with myself about things, and it would have saved so much heartache, but I would have missed out on so many amazing things in life, mostly my children, so I'm glad things panned out the way they did. 

 

 Something that isn't talked a whole lot about before marriage, but afterward is expected to be wonderful.  No blame on Sean here, but sex was not working for me.  As a married couple, this should be the time when you are close to one another and bond and show the love you feel.  As a newly married couple, this should happen often.  My experience was as a newly married couple, I was revolted at the thought of sex, and months went by before I could get up the courage to do it again.  Months is not okay, especially when you've only been married less than a year.  Counseling, books, more counseling, we tried everything, but we just resigned ourselves to the fact that we were better at being friends than lovers.  Sean is a good man, because I think most men would have left at this point.  He was willing to stick it out with me, and build a life and a family without that part of a marriage. 

 

This feeling you get when your beloved comes home for the day, and you're glad to see them because you just want to hold them and have them tell you it's all okay.  It's stealing a glance when they aren't looking, and knowing in your heart how much you love them.  It's wanting to put their needs first and make them happy because their happiness is your happiness.  This deep love and commitment to their heart and soul.  I tried so hard to have that.  But it never came.  I felt selfish and broken because I couldn't communicate my love in any way, physical or otherwise.  I knew Sean was sacrificing so much for me, and I couldn't reciprocate. 

 

Then my life changed.  I had that moment when things were made very clear to me.  It was startling and scary.  I talked to Sean about it, and we prayed, we saw the bishop, we talked to my dad, and still, I knew I wasn't doing what my soul was meant to do.  I knew.  This is one thing I will never forget was the knowing.  I can only explain it in a way others understand it when I say you know when you see a misspelled word, and you instantly need to correct it?  You know in your head and in your heart it is spelled wrong, and you must make it right.  That is the kind of knowing that hit my soul. 

 

So after a lot of soul searching and getting very honest with myself, I left.  I left my husband of 13 years, and my children, and I moved out.  I know, you're judging me because I left my children.  That's okay, you can judge, but I will tell you it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  The one thing I wish I could tell them was how hard it was, but I know it was harder on them.  I do know in my heart and soul that it was best for them to be with Sean.  He is a great dad, and he is more than I could ever be when it comes to parenting.  He's patient and understanding.  He knows how to guide and teach.  I am short tempered and easily overwhelmed.  I knew he would keep their lives as normal as possible, and that was what was best for them.  I also know that having a dad like Sean will teach the girls what kind of man they should date and marry.  And I wanted them to stay active in the church, one thing I knew I couldn't give them. 

 

2 years later, we are divorced, living 122 miles apart, and shuffling 3 kids back and forth every other weekend.  And you know what?  It works.  The kids are doing awesome in school, and are very involved in church.  They love their dad so much, and it warms my soul to know how happy they are at "home" with him.   I know it's not easy for either of us, but even if we had stayed together it would be a struggle. 

 

As for me, I am living happily with my girlfriend, and working from home.  The girls love her, and more importantly, they have told me they trust her.  I know she loves them, and she would do anything for them, and for me.   All those things I wish I could have expressed in my marriage, now they have a place to land.  My heart breathed a sigh of relief and suddenly I felt like my feet had traction instead of just pretending to run in place.  It's been a long road to get here, but here we are.  In love, in happiness, and in the place I belong. 

 

As I said in my previous post, I know a lot of you don't agree with this situation, and I completely understand.  My only request is that you respect the situation.  Know it is not easy for any of us, and the only thing that matters is what is best for our family, however unconventional it may be.  Feel free to express your opinion, ask questions, whatever, I'm totally open to discussion, but please be respectful.  



The Wayside

Is it just me, or does it seem like blogging has fallen to the wayside?  I used to have this huge list of bloggy friends, and I would read their updates daily, sometimes weekly, and I loved getting that little peek into their lives.  Now my list shows updates a month or more old, and my blog is no better. 

It seems like blogging is being taken over by snippets of life more easily worded and read on Facebook and Instagram.  It makes me a little sad.  I was going through my blog, and looking at all the posts I had tagged for each of my kids, and wow, am I glad I wrote all that down!  I had forgotten so much! 

Don't get me wrong, Facebook is fine, but I need to be better about blogging.  I need to be writing down my life so I can look back and remember the little, and big things that are happening so I don't forget!  Time passes so quickly, it's crazy. 

So fair warning, you may read some things on here you don't agree with, or condone, and you
might even have a moral judgment against them, but know that I will be candid and honest, because I want to look back and have these memories to get excited about.  Just bear with me while I do it. 

Geekery

I've always considered myself sort of a geek.  I know random facts about stupid things, I love love love Big Bang Theory because I understand a lot of their jokes, and surprisingly, I love computers.  

I have always been very blessed in my life.  I know this without a doubt.  I have been through some rough patches, as have we all, but I have always known that I was being led in a direction I would never choose on my own.  

One of the biggest blessings has been work.  I have (knock on wood) never had to really worry about work.  Doing hair has been a great blessing, but even aside from that, it has been something that has been easy for me to find.  

I found my current job at Provo Craft a year and a half ago, and I loved it.  I started in Customer Service answering phones and helping crafters with their crafts.  It was fun, even though I'm not a crafter. 

Fast forward about 9 months, and I'm lucky enough to still be working in Customer Service, but now I'm doing work with all the other departments in the business, coordinating Customer Service needs with the capabilities of everyone else in the building.  It was a job I had to create from scratch, and I had to work my butt off to get stuff done.  

Fast forward again a few months, and now I'm testing software for a launch in April.  I have learned so many skills and new geek words, I can hardly stand the excitement.  

Since I started testing software, I was very drawn to the process and the outcomes.  It fascinates me to no end to see developers write code, then make something for me to actually see and test.  I get to find little hiccups in the software and bugs in the system.  With the love of this new job, I started campaigning to be moved permanently into the Software Department.  I really worked my butt off for the software project launch in April, and then I really started bugging the higher-ups to move me up.  

Finally, finally, I got the news last week and a job offer to be a full time software test engineer.  Sounds super fancy, huh?  I KNOW!!!  I am so excited.  I'm lucky to have a great team of guys that entertain my very basic stupid questions, but are excited to see me grow and reach my geek potential.  

Friday the 3rd is a big day for me, though.  I will take my ISTQB test.  That means I will be a certified software tester.  The test is tough, at least for someone like me that is relatively new to the field.  But I know having this certification will take me places I never imagined I would go.  

I think having a certification like this also certifies me as a definite geek.  And I'm okay with that.  

Wish me luck! 

Where is Art?

I've never called myself an "artsy" type.  I don't "do" art.  Mostly because I don't "get" art.  I see a painting (which is what I think of when I think of art), and I get bored.  I understand the talent that goes into painting, and the tenacity it takes to finish it, but I don't "get" it.  One starts to look the another, and before I know it, I've checked out and I find myself on facebook catching up on the latest eCard going around. 

But then I did something uncomfortable, and I found art. 

One of my besties was performing with his brother at an art show in Sugarhouse.  The two of them play guitar, and they play well, and there was a bunch of other things going on at the same show.  An improv thing, a kid I went to High School with was also playing guitar, and 2 slam poets.  I was nervous to go, because it was a small venue, the kind where you can't just blend in, but I wanted to support said bestie, because that's what besties do.  So I went.

The guitar and beatboxing thing I walked in on immediately made me happy.  It was great music with a quirky twist, two things I love.  Then some improv, which is always a good time.  Then the bestie and bro and their guitars singing a song that contained the lyrics "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again".  You know, romantic stuff.  I sang along to their Simon and Garfunkel cover, and then there was intermission.

Then it happened.  My first experience with slam poetry.  I had this image of poets looking wistfully up into the proverbial sky whilst spewing forth romantic soliloquies of lovers gone by. 

Holy crap was I wrong.  This guy was offensive, and disgusting, and foul and said exactly what I was thinking!!!  It was like his words were pulled from my brain and fell from his mouth in a way only he could express because I am too timid.  Yes, I said it, I am too timid.  Don't get me wrong, he wasn't only offensive and disgusting and foul, he was also hilarious and genuine.  But I haven't been moved by words like that since, well, ever. 

This was a Friday night.  By Monday I was still thinking about it.  Tuesday I was looking it up online.  Wednesday I made plans to attend another poetry slam, and Monday I stayed out way too late on a work night because I couldn't tear myself away from hearing what they had to say. 

I guess that's what art is supposed to do.  Move your soul.  Resonate in you until you want it to be part of you.  Art makes you think  Art makes you uncomfortable.  Art shows outwardly what you can only feel inwardly. 

And I found it. 

Frightening

I can't believe how long it has been since I've blogged.  That is soooo not like me.  I was almost scared to open my blog because I didn't know what to do.  Should I post?  What should I write about if I do?  Do I even want to blog anymore? 

So much of me has changed.  Divorce is hard.  Coming out is hard.  But life is good.  And I guess like everything else, this blog shows the good, the bad, and the very very ugly.  I've never been one to hold anything back when it comes to my blog, and I guess it shouldn't change now, right?  I mean, if anyone was easily offended, they would have been long gone from reading this blog by now, right?  Right. 

So although I've missed blogging, I'm glad I've had a break to rediscover what I want to share and how I want to share it.  It's still scary though.  Frightening, in fact. 

Running

Running has become my friend.  At long last.  I finished my first 10k on Earth Day, April 21st, and it was a pretty big deal to me.  Then last weekend I was lucky enough to have a couple of days of no internet or phone service at the cabin and I ran every morning and did yoga on the deck each afternoon.  There isn't much that soothes the soul like that does.  It felt so good to finally get in touch with myself again.  I have been running around from job to job like a crazy person, and I needed to get centered.   Now I have a whole new appreciation for yoga and running.  This weekend is tough.  Tougher than I remember it being in a long time.  I miss my mom.  I miss my kids.  But I can do this.  I am also tougher than I realized.  Mother's Day is hard and having met some amazing people in my life lately has made it much easier to get through, thank goodness.  But don't take your moms for granted, please.  Pretty please?  Just tell her you love her.  Tell her you are grateful for everything she has done for you, because odds are you have no idea what she has really done for you.  I know I had no idea until it was too late.  And I regret every moment I missed. 

The C word

Remember how my mom died of cancer?  Yeah, that sucked. 

Remember how last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer?  Yeah, that sucked too. 

But yesterday that crap came out.  The whole big lumpy mess will be gone, and it looks like that will be that.  Let's all keep our fingers crossed, okay? 

I've been told by two doctors now that if you're going to get breast cancer, this is the kind to get the and the time to get it.  It's super early, non-infiltrating, stage 0-1, ductal carcinoma.  It's so early it's almost non-cancer cancer.  But I want it out of me so I don't have to deal with it anymore.  So out it's coming. 

Funny how it feels good when things come out, huh?  I'm looking forward to having this weight off my mind so I can focus on doing the things I need to do to be a better person.  Whatever that means. 

But keep those fingers crossed just in case. 

John Wayne

Let's talk about dogs for a moment.  I have one, errr, rather had one.  He's gone now.  I hate him.  He's a jerk face. 

He started off the cutest little puppy.  You might remember his pictures.  He would fall asleep on his back on the couch like he'd just smoked himself into a chair.  He was hilarious. 

Then he grew up, and became less hilarious and more obnoxious. 

Especially over the last couple of weeks.  He decided it's funny for me to chase him through the neighborhood when he escapes from the backyard.  And by through the neighborhood, I mean a mile or two down the road. 

I also had to bail him out of doggie jail a couple of weeks ago. That was awesome.  Not. 

So this last weekend we were in Logan.  He was staying at a friends house.  He was in a fenced kennel with a pallet floor, inside a fenced back yard in the middle of nowhere (well, Lewiston, but that's like nowhere, right? )  Sunday night I go to feed him, and what do I see?  A gaping hole in the ground next to the gate to the backyard.  My heart sank.  He was most definitely gone. 

He had eaten through a pallet.  He had dug under a buried fence.  He had shimmied through a tiny hole in the ground and escaped into the Northern Utah wilderness.  I drove around, knowing he was long gone, not sad about that, but sad that I didn't know where he was. 

He was gone.

Sunday morning, a friend convinced me to call animal control just to check if he had been turned in.  First of all, I didn't want to call because I didn't want him back, second of all, I couldn't afford the $100 bail for him.  Again.  But I knew I had to check.  So I called.  And guess what?  A nice officer had found him the night before on her front porch.  She took him in, and fed him.  So I had to drive back to Lewiston to pick him up. 

He was saved. 

Then we took him to a friends house for a couple of minutes so I could gather my things together before coming home.  I left him in her backyard, which also houses 2 other dogs.  In the few minutes I was inside, he managed to dig under the fence and escape.  Again. 

He was gone. 

I walked around the corner, and sure enough, he was just sniffing around, peeing on everything like he does when he escapes.  But this time he actuall came to me when I called him.  I think he knew his number was up. 

He was saved. 

So now, he sits at my house, awaiting his pickup tomorrow.  So by the time this publishes, he will be gone.  I'm sad to see him go becuase I love his cute old man face.  And his soft ears.  And the way he snores like a fat man in the mornings.  But I won't miss him shedding and jumping and making me look like a fool chasing him around in my jammies and hooker boots.  (They were the closest shoes I had, don't judge me). 

So John Wayne, best of luck.  And try and keep in the fence, okay? 

The Cycle

Where do I even begin?  This past month has gone by so quickly, I can't even begin to think of all the things that have happened.  Gretta turned 5, that's obviously the biggest deal of all.  She thinks she needs to go to Kindergarten.  Right.NOW!  That kid is awesome.  I love her.  I love all my kids, of course. 

In fact, lets talk kids for a moment. 

I have the best ones there could ever be, I'm pretty sure.  They have been through Hell, and it just keeps coming.  Luckily, they have a great support system between Sean and I.  He is a great dad.  The kids get shuffled back and forth every other weekend, and on Wednesday nights, and they are handling it amazingly well.   Emma was student of the month at her middle school, Maggie is understandably the smartest kid in her class, and Gretta is just about the cutest sassiest kid I've ever met.  But even through all this turmoil, they have managed to keep going.  Not giving in to the temptation to turn on one another that so many kids face when their parents split up.  The just keep going.  I attribute this to a lot of things, but I know that the many many many many prayers I've said, and some of you have said on their behalves, are working.  I always knew they were exceptional.  I always knew they would shine when life got tough, I just never thought this would be the kind of tough they would deal with. 

Let's hope this is the worst of it for them. 

In the meantime, life just keeps on going, whether we like it or not.  Things are hard.  Then they're better.  Then they're hard again.  It's a cycle, albeit a  more exaggerated cycle than anything I've ever experienced before in my life.  I hope one day it will all settle in like it's supposed to, and "normal" will reappear. 

Alone

One thing I find myself saying a lot these days is that I can do this myself.  Most things I can.  But sometimes, the myself thing really pisses me off.  I get so caught up in doing things myself that I forget people are actually around to help me.  And they want to help.  And I should accept help. 

But I don't. 

Because I'm a jerk. 

There's just something about getting divorced that has made me want to show everyone that I can do every thing by myself all the time.  Is that too much to ask?   I think not.  But tell that to my brain, which tends to have a penchant for self-pity and doubt.  My poor poor brain.  It's up there, all alone in its little watery world, with no one to offer help.  And yet it keeps on going.  Doing what it does.  An island.  That's what I want to be.  An island.  But alas, no man...  blah blah blah. 

I've tried doing it alone.  It sucks.  I've tried putting up walls.  They suck.  Being alone sucks.  But being lonely sucks worse.  And I have to keep reminding myself that, like my brain, I have so many voices spurring me on, to overcome, to buoy me up, to make me happy.  And I need to let them.  I need to realize that alone and lonely are not the same thing. 

They aren't. 

And I'm not lonely.

I'm actually quite content.  My life is crazy, my phone is constantly buzzing, much to the chagrin of my present company, whomever it may be at the time, and I do know I have a great network of friends by my side.  This is what I've always wanted.  I'm not alone really, and I'm not lonely really.  I have to keep reminding myself too, that just because I'm not married anymore doesn't mean that I'm alone.  Marriage didn't define me, and being single won't define me either.  I will define me.  Me and me alone, will define me. 

Alone.  But not lonely. 

Changing The Way We Feel

Changes come in so many forms.  Divorce is really only one small part of the changes in my life lately.  But it seems to be the biggest.  I don't know if it's a midlife crisis kind of thing or what, but this new life has me pondering a lot on stuff.  Big stuff.  Like way big stuff.  Spiritual stuff, and personal stuff, and family stuff, and greater-than-me-or-anything-I-could-ever-imagine kind of stuff.  It's weird.  I'm in a weird mood.  And I'm also lacking spell check at the moment, so there's a good chance there will be lots of misspelled words.  Like misspelled.  Is that how you spell misspelled?  Now misspelled is looking weird no matter how I type it.  Sort of like when you say "though" a whole bunch of times in a row, it sounds weird. 

But I digress. 

Changes.  Yes.  I think we're all creatures of habit.  We like our comfort zones, we like autonomy, we like, dare I say it, monotony.  I know I do.  But it seems that lately everything, every day, in fact, is a fly by the seat of my pants kind of day, and it's getting exhausting.  I'm debating if I should take a digital diet.  You know, a day with no phone, no computer, no tv.  Could it even be done?  I doubt I could do it.  My phone is my lifeline.  I feel like I am working constantly, (which I am), and my phone keeps me tied to that.  I love my jobs, I truly do.  (I think I spelled truly right, didn't I?  I hate it when people spell it truelly.  Ugh.  So annoying.)  I love being crafty all day, and making people beautiful all night.  In fact, making women feel beautiful has become sort of a passion of mine.  Changes, you know.  Women need changes.  We need highlights, and layers, and therapy.  I hope I can just be a small part of that.  But as I've gone through all these changes, one thing I continue to come across is women with beauty issues.  We have the hardest time telling ourselves, and believing, that we're beautiful.  Why?  Ladies!  Stop it!  You are all beautiful!  Why can't muffin tops be sexy, you ask?  Well, they are.  Embrace it.  Why are wrinkles a sign of old age?  They aren't!  You earned them through years of smiling and laughter and tears and stress, all of which make you the amazing women you are.  It's all about the changes through life.  Divorce, marriage, children, stress, happiness, all sculpt and form you into wonderful people. 

Embrace the change.  It's the only constant we can count on, right? 

Finally

Well, it happened.  The divorce is final.  It's weird that it's over.  We were engaged to be married just about the same amount of time it took for us to get divorced.  I find that funny.  Not like ha ha funny, but like that's interesting funny.  I have to say, I miss marriage.  The normalcy of it all has left a huge void in my life.  I miss Sean and the way we were friends.  I miss having the family life that seemed so perfect.  But I don't miss the faking it, and the working endlessly at it, and the trust issues.  So all in all I think it is a good thing.  My new normal is still sinking in.  I still sometimes refer to myself as "we", not because of the voices in my head, but because "I" was "we", inclusive with Sean and the girls.  There is a lot more I've learned to do on my own.  Things that are hard, things that are easy, and things that I never had any idea I could do at all.  Those are all empowering things, I think. 

I've tried very hard to avoid being bitter about any of this.  I have good reason to be, and so does Sean.  I think we've succeeded so far, at least on the surface, but it has to start somewhere, right?  I debate even blogging about it, because divorce is such a personal situation and it is borderline private, even for me, who has a penchant for spewing forth every detail of my soul.  I do know that I will not drag anyone through the mud on this blog, myself included in that.  I am as much to blame for this as anyone else, and I totally own that.  I will remain focused on what makes me happy, and how my life will change as the months and years go by.  Just promise me you'll bear with me as I make those changes and start documenting all these new thougths and feelings as I go. 

Trust me, it will be worth it. 

I'm Sure You're All Wondering

I'm here.  I promise.  I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, although sometimes it feels like I have.  I have sort of become like a pioneer these days.  Except I have a car.  And I don't wear bonnets and crappy dresses.  But, since I don't have TV hooked up yet, or internet installed yet, and I'm building fires each morning to keep me warm, I totally feel like a really modern pioneer. 

The truth is, I'm working my ass off.  Literally.  I've lost 14 pounds since the divorce began.  Now there's a good diet, though I don't really recommend it.  I work at the salon in the mornings, and then I'm doing training in the evenings until 11:30 ish.  5 days a week, people.  That works out to be about 60 hours a week.  That is crazy.  Take that, and add on the flu, and boy howdy, I'm pretty much a mess. 

Thankfully I have this super short lesbian haircut to cut down on my "getting ready" time, which has really come in handy. 

As for life these days, each day is different.  Fly by the seat of my pants.  I miss the kids in my home every day, but we're all adjusting okay I think.  I miss the life I had before, but I'm enjoying the empowerment that comes from doing things myself, albeit hard and tear-filled most of the time.  I miss my mom daily, more now than ever I think, but I'm so grateful for my siblings and my dad and Noma.  They are all truly a blessing in my life.  I know they have a hard time with the situation, but they take it all with a smile and a knowledge that I've always been a free spirit, and this is no different.  They just support me,l and that's what I need. 

I hope you're all doing well, and I promise I will keep up better on the blog.  At least on my good days. 

Happy Days To Maggie

On October 7th Maggie had a birthday!  And got baptized the very next day!  I admit, it's hard doing the regular family things that normal families do when ours is so very different from what it used to be.  But it doesn't change the fact that I love my Maggie like crazy, and I'm so proud of her and the decision she made to get baptized.   She has great teachers, and Sean really worked with her to prepare her for the actual baptism.  She was pretty nervous about going under the water. But it all worked, and she did a great job. 

Now she's 8, I can't believe it, and she is just a sweet little lady. 

 All of us just moments before she was baptized.  I don't know what I'm doing leaning in like a dork, but the picture taker lady kept saying to squeeze in.  I think we had plenty of room.  ;)

Maggie and her dad.  She looked so sweet and innocent that day, as she does every other day of the year of course! 

Congrats to Maggie and a very happy birthday to her!  I love you, Moots!

Polar Opposite

You know what?  I think I might be bipolar.  No, for reals.  Like some days I'm on a super high high, and some days I just feel like I can't take One.More.Freaking.Thing.  Is it just me, or does everyone get like that?  

Oh, it's just me.  Great.  

But really, I think I'm doing okay considering all the changes that have happened the last few months.  I have a job(s) that I love, I'm doing what I love, and I'm happy in most areas of my life.  I've learned I have great kids, the best kids a gal could ever ask for, and that they are super strong.  My family is amazing, and even through all the change, they realize I'm still pretty much the same old me, just version 2.0, or something close to that.  

Divorce is never easy, neither is marriage.  I don't recommend divorce to most people, but if it's what will make things better in the long run, it's fine.  And it's funny how at the mention of the word "divorce" people instantly perk up; if they've been divorced.  Now I'm part of some weird club that I never knew existed and I can be among peers that have all been there done that.  It's nice.  But strange.  

I'm glad to know that I have great friends, and a great family, and great kids.  I truly am blessed, even through so many hard things. 

Doing It

You know, it's hard getting divorced. It is. You'd think I would have realized this before, but until you're in the middle of it all, you don't realize all the crap that comes along with it.

This has nothing to do with me and Sean, we get along well, it has more to do with me. I've been taken care of most of my life by someone else, and I've taken it for granted all these years. This is the first time in about 20 years that I've had to stress about money and time management, and calling here and there and making sure this and that get taken care of. I've said it before, and I'll say it again....

Being a grown up is hard.

But there is an upside to all this. I feel pretty empowered knowing I can do these things on my own. The first time I used my very own debit card, and it worked, I nearly cried. The first time I called about a bill that had been paid but not shown as such, and got it taken care of, I nearly yelled in victory. I can do this. I can. I can. I can.

I keep telling myself this over and over and over.

I have to remember that there is a plan in store for me. I have hopes and dreams, and I'm not letting this little bump in the road ruin it for me. It might take me longer to get where I want to be, but I know I can still do it. And even though it's hard right now, I know it won't always be this way. This too shall pass. My mom told me this as her wise sage advice before she died, and it has become my mantra these last few months.

I'm glad to see how much my family cares about me and how much they support me. I'm lucky to have great friends who give me motivation to keep it up and keep moving forward. I'm glad I have great kids that handle this well, and will talk to me about it. And I'm glad for all the lessons I've learned up to this point in my life to prepare me for this. It's all about the plan, and doing it.

Big D

Well, I'm sure the news has made it through most of the family and friends by now.
Remember how I said things were changing up? Boy howdy, are they.

Sean and I are getting divorced.

I know, I know, pick your jaw up off the floor. It happens, people. Trust me, we have worked our butts off for years making it work. But honestly, the time comes when there is just no more to give, and it's time to cut your losses.

We are great friends. Always have been. Since Kindergarten, in fact. But sadly friendship doesn't always a great marriage make. We've known for a long time that things were "off", and we've even been separated a time or two. I'm sad to have to put this all out there, but I also need to get it out of my head, because as my loyal readers know, the voices, oh! the voices, they can really be annoying.

The kids are doing okay. I think they were surprised to hear it, but not really that surprised, since they had seen us drift apart over the past few months. I'm heartbroken that they will be children of divorced parents, but I'm also empowered knowing that they can see that as adults you can still communicate with each other without fighting, and that they can still be the most important things in our lives. I hope they know how much I love them.

There is obviously more going on here than I care to discuss on the blog at this time, but trust me, I can't keep anything inside for very long, so eventually it will all come out. Just do me a favor, and be supportive, mmkay? I need to hear that it will all be okay, and that I'm still a good mom, and that my kids won't be sociopathic screw-ups because their dad and I couldn't live together.

Changing Things Up

Sometimes things need to change. Not a matter of if, but of when. And sometimes those changes come at a price. Sadly, this is when you find out who really loves and supports you, and you find out who could care less.

Turns out I have a pretty awesome group of people that love me and support me.

I'm pretty dang lucky.

I'll post more details when I'm ready, but know that although so much has changed, there is still so much the same. Day to day stuff is the same. Kids are the same. Everything is basically the same. I'm still the same. But a few things are different, and it was time.