Changing The Way We Feel

Changes come in so many forms.  Divorce is really only one small part of the changes in my life lately.  But it seems to be the biggest.  I don't know if it's a midlife crisis kind of thing or what, but this new life has me pondering a lot on stuff.  Big stuff.  Like way big stuff.  Spiritual stuff, and personal stuff, and family stuff, and greater-than-me-or-anything-I-could-ever-imagine kind of stuff.  It's weird.  I'm in a weird mood.  And I'm also lacking spell check at the moment, so there's a good chance there will be lots of misspelled words.  Like misspelled.  Is that how you spell misspelled?  Now misspelled is looking weird no matter how I type it.  Sort of like when you say "though" a whole bunch of times in a row, it sounds weird. 

But I digress. 

Changes.  Yes.  I think we're all creatures of habit.  We like our comfort zones, we like autonomy, we like, dare I say it, monotony.  I know I do.  But it seems that lately everything, every day, in fact, is a fly by the seat of my pants kind of day, and it's getting exhausting.  I'm debating if I should take a digital diet.  You know, a day with no phone, no computer, no tv.  Could it even be done?  I doubt I could do it.  My phone is my lifeline.  I feel like I am working constantly, (which I am), and my phone keeps me tied to that.  I love my jobs, I truly do.  (I think I spelled truly right, didn't I?  I hate it when people spell it truelly.  Ugh.  So annoying.)  I love being crafty all day, and making people beautiful all night.  In fact, making women feel beautiful has become sort of a passion of mine.  Changes, you know.  Women need changes.  We need highlights, and layers, and therapy.  I hope I can just be a small part of that.  But as I've gone through all these changes, one thing I continue to come across is women with beauty issues.  We have the hardest time telling ourselves, and believing, that we're beautiful.  Why?  Ladies!  Stop it!  You are all beautiful!  Why can't muffin tops be sexy, you ask?  Well, they are.  Embrace it.  Why are wrinkles a sign of old age?  They aren't!  You earned them through years of smiling and laughter and tears and stress, all of which make you the amazing women you are.  It's all about the changes through life.  Divorce, marriage, children, stress, happiness, all sculpt and form you into wonderful people. 

Embrace the change.  It's the only constant we can count on, right? 

Finally

Well, it happened.  The divorce is final.  It's weird that it's over.  We were engaged to be married just about the same amount of time it took for us to get divorced.  I find that funny.  Not like ha ha funny, but like that's interesting funny.  I have to say, I miss marriage.  The normalcy of it all has left a huge void in my life.  I miss Sean and the way we were friends.  I miss having the family life that seemed so perfect.  But I don't miss the faking it, and the working endlessly at it, and the trust issues.  So all in all I think it is a good thing.  My new normal is still sinking in.  I still sometimes refer to myself as "we", not because of the voices in my head, but because "I" was "we", inclusive with Sean and the girls.  There is a lot more I've learned to do on my own.  Things that are hard, things that are easy, and things that I never had any idea I could do at all.  Those are all empowering things, I think. 

I've tried very hard to avoid being bitter about any of this.  I have good reason to be, and so does Sean.  I think we've succeeded so far, at least on the surface, but it has to start somewhere, right?  I debate even blogging about it, because divorce is such a personal situation and it is borderline private, even for me, who has a penchant for spewing forth every detail of my soul.  I do know that I will not drag anyone through the mud on this blog, myself included in that.  I am as much to blame for this as anyone else, and I totally own that.  I will remain focused on what makes me happy, and how my life will change as the months and years go by.  Just promise me you'll bear with me as I make those changes and start documenting all these new thougths and feelings as I go. 

Trust me, it will be worth it.