Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Here Goes Nothing

I've been deciding how exactly to go about this post.  It's been 2 years in the making, and I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm confident in myself enough to talk about it.  The last 2 years have been so hard.  So very hard.  Actually, the last 5 years have been hard, since losing my mom to cancer, life sort of just changed.  The last 2 really take the cake, though.  I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.  So that's where I'll begin.
Have you ever had that moment when you knew in your soul, deep deep down, that you weren't on the right path?  You know that time when it's like instant clarity, and you feel trapped and you know you have to finally be authentic to what you believe?  I had that.  It was visceral.  It was a physical feeling that I could not deny.  I had everything in the world anyone could want, but I knew it wasn't who I was, and I was tired of pretending. Something had to change. 
For most of my life I've been struggling with these feelings I have.  Being raised in the church, I was taught to do certain things, and that these feelings would go away.  I did all the things I should do; I married a returned missionary, we got married worthily in the temple, we went to church, held callings, attended the temple, I had children and tried so hard to be the perfect wife.  But something wasn't right.  We struggled as married partners.  We were, and still are, good friends, but anything beyond that just felt wrong to me.  Of course, looking back, it's plain to see I needed to be more honest with myself about things, and it would have saved so much heartache, but I would have missed out on so many amazing things in life, mostly my children, so I'm glad things panned out the way they did. 
 Something that isn't talked a whole lot about before marriage, but afterward is expected to be wonderful.  No blame on Sean here, but sex was not working for me.  As a married couple, this should be the time when you are close to one another and bond and show the love you feel.  As a newly married couple, this should happen often.  My experience was as a newly married couple, I was revolted at the thought of sex, and months went by before I could get up the courage to do it again.  Months is not okay, especially when you've only been married less than a year.  Counseling, books, more counseling, we tried everything, but we just resigned ourselves to the fact that we were better at being friends than lovers.  Sean is a good man, because I think most men would have left at this point.  He was willing to stick it out with me, and build a life and a family without that part of a marriage. 
This feeling you get when your beloved comes home for the day, and you're glad to see them because you just want to hold them and have them tell you it's all okay.  It's stealing a glance when they aren't looking, and knowing in your heart how much you love them.  It's wanting to put their needs first and make them happy because their happiness is your happiness.  This deep love and commitment to their heart and soul.  I tried so hard to have that.  But it never came.  I felt selfish and broken because I couldn't communicate my love in any way, physical or otherwise.  I knew Sean was sacrificing so much for me, and I couldn't reciprocate. 
Then my life changed.  I had that moment when things were made very clear to me.  It was startling and scary.  I talked to Sean about it, and we prayed, we saw the bishop, we talked to my dad, and still, I knew I wasn't doing what my soul was meant to do.  I knew.  This is one thing I will never forget was the knowing.  I can only explain it in a way others understand it when I say you know when you see a misspelled word, and you instantly need to correct it?  You know in your head and in your heart it is spelled wrong, and you must make it right.  That is the kind of knowing that hit my soul. 
So after a lot of soul searching and getting very honest with myself, I left.  I left my husband of 13 years, and my children, and I moved out.  I know, you're judging me because I left my children.  That's okay, you can judge, but I will tell you it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  The one thing I wish I could tell them was how hard it was, but I know it was harder on them.  I do know in my heart and soul that it was best for them to be with Sean.  He is a great dad, and he is more than I could ever be when it comes to parenting.  He's patient and understanding.  He knows how to guide and teach.  I am short tempered and easily overwhelmed.  I knew he would keep their lives as normal as possible, and that was what was best for them.  I also know that having a dad like Sean will teach the girls what kind of man they should date and marry.  And I wanted them to stay active in the church, one thing I knew I couldn't give them. 
2 years later, we are divorced, living 122 miles apart, and shuffling 3 kids back and forth every other weekend.  And you know what?  It works.  The kids are doing awesome in school, and are very involved in church.  They love their dad so much, and it warms my soul to know how happy they are at "home" with him.   I know it's not easy for either of us, but even if we had stayed together it would be a struggle. 
As for me, I am living happily with my girlfriend, and working from home.  The girls love her, and more importantly, they have told me they trust her.  I know she loves them, and she would do anything for them, and for me.   All those things I wish I could have expressed in my marriage, now they have a place to land.  My heart breathed a sigh of relief and suddenly I felt like my feet had traction instead of just pretending to run in place.  It's been a long road to get here, but here we are.  In love, in happiness, and in the place I belong. 
As I said in my previous post, I know a lot of you don't agree with this situation, and I completely understand.  My only request is that you respect the situation.  Know it is not easy for any of us, and the only thing that matters is what is best for our family, however unconventional it may be.  Feel free to express your opinion, ask questions, whatever, I'm totally open to discussion, but please be respectful.  

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The Wayside

Is it just me, or does it seem like blogging has fallen to the wayside?  I used to have this huge list of bloggy friends, and I would read their updates daily, sometimes weekly, and I loved getting that little peek into their lives.  Now my list shows updates a month or more old, and my blog is no better. 

It seems like blogging is being taken over by snippets of life more easily worded and read on Facebook and Instagram.  It makes me a little sad.  I was going through my blog, and looking at all the posts I had tagged for each of my kids, and wow, am I glad I wrote all that down!  I had forgotten so much! 

Don't get me wrong, Facebook is fine, but I need to be better about blogging.  I need to be writing down my life so I can look back and remember the little, and big things that are happening so I don't forget!  Time passes so quickly, it's crazy. 

So fair warning, you may read some things on here you don't agree with, or condone, and you
post signaturemight even have a moral judgment against them, but know that I will be candid and honest, because I want to look back and have these memories to get excited about.  Just bear with me while I do it. 

Monday, April 29, 2013


I've always considered myself sort of a geek.  I know random facts about stupid things, I love love love Big Bang Theory because I understand a lot of their jokes, and surprisingly, I love computers.  

I have always been very blessed in my life.  I know this without a doubt.  I have been through some rough patches, as have we all, but I have always known that I was being led in a direction I would never choose on my own.  

One of the biggest blessings has been work.  I have (knock on wood) never had to really worry about work.  Doing hair has been a great blessing, but even aside from that, it has been something that has been easy for me to find.  

I found my current job at Provo Craft a year and a half ago, and I loved it.  I started in Customer Service answering phones and helping crafters with their crafts.  It was fun, even though I'm not a crafter. 

Fast forward about 9 months, and I'm lucky enough to still be working in Customer Service, but now I'm doing work with all the other departments in the business, coordinating Customer Service needs with the capabilities of everyone else in the building.  It was a job I had to create from scratch, and I had to work my butt off to get stuff done.  

Fast forward again a few months, and now I'm testing software for a launch in April.  I have learned so many skills and new geek words, I can hardly stand the excitement.  

Since I started testing software, I was very drawn to the process and the outcomes.  It fascinates me to no end to see developers write code, then make something for me to actually see and test.  I get to find little hiccups in the software and bugs in the system.  With the love of this new job, I started campaigning to be moved permanently into the Software Department.  I really worked my butt off for the software project launch in April, and then I really started bugging the higher-ups to move me up.  

Finally, finally, I got the news last week and a job offer to be a full time software test engineer.  Sounds super fancy, huh?  I KNOW!!!  I am so excited.  I'm lucky to have a great team of guys that entertain my very basic stupid questions, but are excited to see me grow and reach my geek potential.  

Friday the 3rd is a big day for me, though.  I will take my ISTQB test.  That means I will be a certified software tester.  The test is tough, at least for someone like me that is relatively new to the field.  But I know having this certification will take me places I never imagined I would go.  

I think having a certification like this also certifies me as a definite geek.  And I'm okay with that.  

Wish me luck! 

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Where is Art?

I've never called myself an "artsy" type.  I don't "do" art.  Mostly because I don't "get" art.  I see a painting (which is what I think of when I think of art), and I get bored.  I understand the talent that goes into painting, and the tenacity it takes to finish it, but I don't "get" it.  One starts to look the another, and before I know it, I've checked out and I find myself on facebook catching up on the latest eCard going around. 

But then I did something uncomfortable, and I found art. 

One of my besties was performing with his brother at an art show in Sugarhouse.  The two of them play guitar, and they play well, and there was a bunch of other things going on at the same show.  An improv thing, a kid I went to High School with was also playing guitar, and 2 slam poets.  I was nervous to go, because it was a small venue, the kind where you can't just blend in, but I wanted to support said bestie, because that's what besties do.  So I went.

The guitar and beatboxing thing I walked in on immediately made me happy.  It was great music with a quirky twist, two things I love.  Then some improv, which is always a good time.  Then the bestie and bro and their guitars singing a song that contained the lyrics "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again".  You know, romantic stuff.  I sang along to their Simon and Garfunkel cover, and then there was intermission.

Then it happened.  My first experience with slam poetry.  I had this image of poets looking wistfully up into the proverbial sky whilst spewing forth romantic soliloquies of lovers gone by. 

Holy crap was I wrong.  This guy was offensive, and disgusting, and foul and said exactly what I was thinking!!!  It was like his words were pulled from my brain and fell from his mouth in a way only he could express because I am too timid.  Yes, I said it, I am too timid.  Don't get me wrong, he wasn't only offensive and disgusting and foul, he was also hilarious and genuine.  But I haven't been moved by words like that since, well, ever. 

This was a Friday night.  By Monday I was still thinking about it.  Tuesday I was looking it up online.  Wednesday I made plans to attend another poetry slam, and Monday I stayed out way too late on a work night because I couldn't tear myself away from hearing what they had to say. 

I guess that's what art is supposed to do.  Move your soul.  Resonate in you until you want it to be part of you.  Art makes you think  Art makes you uncomfortable.  Art shows outwardly what you can only feel inwardly. 

And I found it. 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


I can't believe how long it has been since I've blogged.  That is soooo not like me.  I was almost scared to open my blog because I didn't know what to do.  Should I post?  What should I write about if I do?  Do I even want to blog anymore? 

So much of me has changed.  Divorce is hard.  Coming out is hard.  But life is good.  And I guess like everything else, this blog shows the good, the bad, and the very very ugly.  I've never been one to hold anything back when it comes to my blog, and I guess it shouldn't change now, right?  I mean, if anyone was easily offended, they would have been long gone from reading this blog by now, right?  Right. 

So although I've missed blogging, I'm glad I've had a break to rediscover what I want to share and how I want to share it.  It's still scary though.  Frightening, in fact.