Running

Running has become my friend.  At long last.  I finished my first 10k on Earth Day, April 21st, and it was a pretty big deal to me.  Then last weekend I was lucky enough to have a couple of days of no internet or phone service at the cabin and I ran every morning and did yoga on the deck each afternoon.  There isn't much that soothes the soul like that does.  It felt so good to finally get in touch with myself again.  I have been running around from job to job like a crazy person, and I needed to get centered.   Now I have a whole new appreciation for yoga and running.  This weekend is tough.  Tougher than I remember it being in a long time.  I miss my mom.  I miss my kids.  But I can do this.  I am also tougher than I realized.  Mother's Day is hard and having met some amazing people in my life lately has made it much easier to get through, thank goodness.  But don't take your moms for granted, please.  Pretty please?  Just tell her you love her.  Tell her you are grateful for everything she has done for you, because odds are you have no idea what she has really done for you.  I know I had no idea until it was too late.  And I regret every moment I missed. 

The C word

Remember how my mom died of cancer?  Yeah, that sucked. 

Remember how last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer?  Yeah, that sucked too. 

But yesterday that crap came out.  The whole big lumpy mess will be gone, and it looks like that will be that.  Let's all keep our fingers crossed, okay? 

I've been told by two doctors now that if you're going to get breast cancer, this is the kind to get the and the time to get it.  It's super early, non-infiltrating, stage 0-1, ductal carcinoma.  It's so early it's almost non-cancer cancer.  But I want it out of me so I don't have to deal with it anymore.  So out it's coming. 

Funny how it feels good when things come out, huh?  I'm looking forward to having this weight off my mind so I can focus on doing the things I need to do to be a better person.  Whatever that means. 

But keep those fingers crossed just in case. 

John Wayne

Let's talk about dogs for a moment.  I have one, errr, rather had one.  He's gone now.  I hate him.  He's a jerk face. 

He started off the cutest little puppy.  You might remember his pictures.  He would fall asleep on his back on the couch like he'd just smoked himself into a chair.  He was hilarious. 

Then he grew up, and became less hilarious and more obnoxious. 

Especially over the last couple of weeks.  He decided it's funny for me to chase him through the neighborhood when he escapes from the backyard.  And by through the neighborhood, I mean a mile or two down the road. 

I also had to bail him out of doggie jail a couple of weeks ago. That was awesome.  Not. 

So this last weekend we were in Logan.  He was staying at a friends house.  He was in a fenced kennel with a pallet floor, inside a fenced back yard in the middle of nowhere (well, Lewiston, but that's like nowhere, right? )  Sunday night I go to feed him, and what do I see?  A gaping hole in the ground next to the gate to the backyard.  My heart sank.  He was most definitely gone. 

He had eaten through a pallet.  He had dug under a buried fence.  He had shimmied through a tiny hole in the ground and escaped into the Northern Utah wilderness.  I drove around, knowing he was long gone, not sad about that, but sad that I didn't know where he was. 

He was gone.

Sunday morning, a friend convinced me to call animal control just to check if he had been turned in.  First of all, I didn't want to call because I didn't want him back, second of all, I couldn't afford the $100 bail for him.  Again.  But I knew I had to check.  So I called.  And guess what?  A nice officer had found him the night before on her front porch.  She took him in, and fed him.  So I had to drive back to Lewiston to pick him up. 

He was saved. 

Then we took him to a friends house for a couple of minutes so I could gather my things together before coming home.  I left him in her backyard, which also houses 2 other dogs.  In the few minutes I was inside, he managed to dig under the fence and escape.  Again. 

He was gone. 

I walked around the corner, and sure enough, he was just sniffing around, peeing on everything like he does when he escapes.  But this time he actuall came to me when I called him.  I think he knew his number was up. 

He was saved. 

So now, he sits at my house, awaiting his pickup tomorrow.  So by the time this publishes, he will be gone.  I'm sad to see him go becuase I love his cute old man face.  And his soft ears.  And the way he snores like a fat man in the mornings.  But I won't miss him shedding and jumping and making me look like a fool chasing him around in my jammies and hooker boots.  (They were the closest shoes I had, don't judge me). 

So John Wayne, best of luck.  And try and keep in the fence, okay? 

The Cycle

Where do I even begin?  This past month has gone by so quickly, I can't even begin to think of all the things that have happened.  Gretta turned 5, that's obviously the biggest deal of all.  She thinks she needs to go to Kindergarten.  Right.NOW!  That kid is awesome.  I love her.  I love all my kids, of course. 

In fact, lets talk kids for a moment. 

I have the best ones there could ever be, I'm pretty sure.  They have been through Hell, and it just keeps coming.  Luckily, they have a great support system between Sean and I.  He is a great dad.  The kids get shuffled back and forth every other weekend, and on Wednesday nights, and they are handling it amazingly well.   Emma was student of the month at her middle school, Maggie is understandably the smartest kid in her class, and Gretta is just about the cutest sassiest kid I've ever met.  But even through all this turmoil, they have managed to keep going.  Not giving in to the temptation to turn on one another that so many kids face when their parents split up.  The just keep going.  I attribute this to a lot of things, but I know that the many many many many prayers I've said, and some of you have said on their behalves, are working.  I always knew they were exceptional.  I always knew they would shine when life got tough, I just never thought this would be the kind of tough they would deal with. 

Let's hope this is the worst of it for them. 

In the meantime, life just keeps on going, whether we like it or not.  Things are hard.  Then they're better.  Then they're hard again.  It's a cycle, albeit a  more exaggerated cycle than anything I've ever experienced before in my life.  I hope one day it will all settle in like it's supposed to, and "normal" will reappear. 

Alone

One thing I find myself saying a lot these days is that I can do this myself.  Most things I can.  But sometimes, the myself thing really pisses me off.  I get so caught up in doing things myself that I forget people are actually around to help me.  And they want to help.  And I should accept help. 

But I don't. 

Because I'm a jerk. 

There's just something about getting divorced that has made me want to show everyone that I can do every thing by myself all the time.  Is that too much to ask?   I think not.  But tell that to my brain, which tends to have a penchant for self-pity and doubt.  My poor poor brain.  It's up there, all alone in its little watery world, with no one to offer help.  And yet it keeps on going.  Doing what it does.  An island.  That's what I want to be.  An island.  But alas, no man...  blah blah blah. 

I've tried doing it alone.  It sucks.  I've tried putting up walls.  They suck.  Being alone sucks.  But being lonely sucks worse.  And I have to keep reminding myself that, like my brain, I have so many voices spurring me on, to overcome, to buoy me up, to make me happy.  And I need to let them.  I need to realize that alone and lonely are not the same thing. 

They aren't. 

And I'm not lonely.

I'm actually quite content.  My life is crazy, my phone is constantly buzzing, much to the chagrin of my present company, whomever it may be at the time, and I do know I have a great network of friends by my side.  This is what I've always wanted.  I'm not alone really, and I'm not lonely really.  I have to keep reminding myself too, that just because I'm not married anymore doesn't mean that I'm alone.  Marriage didn't define me, and being single won't define me either.  I will define me.  Me and me alone, will define me. 

Alone.  But not lonely.