Alone

One thing I find myself saying a lot these days is that I can do this myself.  Most things I can.  But sometimes, the myself thing really pisses me off.  I get so caught up in doing things myself that I forget people are actually around to help me.  And they want to help.  And I should accept help. 

But I don't. 

Because I'm a jerk. 

There's just something about getting divorced that has made me want to show everyone that I can do every thing by myself all the time.  Is that too much to ask?   I think not.  But tell that to my brain, which tends to have a penchant for self-pity and doubt.  My poor poor brain.  It's up there, all alone in its little watery world, with no one to offer help.  And yet it keeps on going.  Doing what it does.  An island.  That's what I want to be.  An island.  But alas, no man...  blah blah blah. 

I've tried doing it alone.  It sucks.  I've tried putting up walls.  They suck.  Being alone sucks.  But being lonely sucks worse.  And I have to keep reminding myself that, like my brain, I have so many voices spurring me on, to overcome, to buoy me up, to make me happy.  And I need to let them.  I need to realize that alone and lonely are not the same thing. 

They aren't. 

And I'm not lonely.

I'm actually quite content.  My life is crazy, my phone is constantly buzzing, much to the chagrin of my present company, whomever it may be at the time, and I do know I have a great network of friends by my side.  This is what I've always wanted.  I'm not alone really, and I'm not lonely really.  I have to keep reminding myself too, that just because I'm not married anymore doesn't mean that I'm alone.  Marriage didn't define me, and being single won't define me either.  I will define me.  Me and me alone, will define me. 

Alone.  But not lonely.