Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I've had a good couple of days. Actually, it's been about a week and things are still good. But I can feel a change. I can feel the mood sinking. I'm fighting it with everything I've got. I think it will pass, so I have to stay motivated and just work through it.

I think a lot of my mood change is coming from comparisons. I've started comparing my life with the way I perceive the lives of the women around me. I've begun to feel very inadequate. Suddenly I'm doubting my parenting skills, my craftiness, my humor, my home, my car, my clothes, my appearance in general, and whatever else I can find to compare. And I keep coming out on the losing end of it.

Comparisons by nature are not a bad thing. But when it comes to comparing one's self with what is perceived to be another person's self, there is no winning. We always put our best face forward, and hope to win out on the comparisons.

Normally I don't really care about what other people think about me. I really don't. I got past that insecurity long ago, and about 30 pounds ago. I also use my humor to mask any insecurities I may feel. It might not be the healthiest option, but I'm not really known for my healthy choices, now am I? The last few days have really brought out some underlying fears I have of being left behind. I have started feeling like I'm not keeping up with those around me. I don't mean materially, I'm getting over that, I mean humanly. I don't do a lot of what the people around me are doing. I don't see what I'm doing as wrong, or what they're doing as wrong, but I feel out of sync.

I think what I need is a good old fashioned dose of "keep it up, girl". I feel like my family is doing well, my kids are happy and well adjusted, and we have a good schedule going. I try to keep it as low stress at home as possible, and the kids respond well to that.

Then I see some people that give their kids the newest toys, go to the newest restaurants, see the newest movies, and I start to feel lacking. I start to feel that I have to do those things in order to make my family and myself happy.

I know in my heart of hearts that we're happy just as we are. But still the motivation to keep it up is deeply buried, and it's hard to see through the mumbo jumbo of every day life. I think I just need to see my kids thrive in a simple environment, and then I'll feel better. I'll give it a day, and hopefully that will help me feel motivated to keep it up.


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