Polar Opposite

You know what?  I think I might be bipolar.  No, for reals.  Like some days I'm on a super high high, and some days I just feel like I can't take One.More.Freaking.Thing.  Is it just me, or does everyone get like that?  

Oh, it's just me.  Great.  

But really, I think I'm doing okay considering all the changes that have happened the last few months.  I have a job(s) that I love, I'm doing what I love, and I'm happy in most areas of my life.  I've learned I have great kids, the best kids a gal could ever ask for, and that they are super strong.  My family is amazing, and even through all the change, they realize I'm still pretty much the same old me, just version 2.0, or something close to that.  

Divorce is never easy, neither is marriage.  I don't recommend divorce to most people, but if it's what will make things better in the long run, it's fine.  And it's funny how at the mention of the word "divorce" people instantly perk up; if they've been divorced.  Now I'm part of some weird club that I never knew existed and I can be among peers that have all been there done that.  It's nice.  But strange.  

I'm glad to know that I have great friends, and a great family, and great kids.  I truly am blessed, even through so many hard things. 

Doing It

You know, it's hard getting divorced. It is. You'd think I would have realized this before, but until you're in the middle of it all, you don't realize all the crap that comes along with it.

This has nothing to do with me and Sean, we get along well, it has more to do with me. I've been taken care of most of my life by someone else, and I've taken it for granted all these years. This is the first time in about 20 years that I've had to stress about money and time management, and calling here and there and making sure this and that get taken care of. I've said it before, and I'll say it again....

Being a grown up is hard.

But there is an upside to all this. I feel pretty empowered knowing I can do these things on my own. The first time I used my very own debit card, and it worked, I nearly cried. The first time I called about a bill that had been paid but not shown as such, and got it taken care of, I nearly yelled in victory. I can do this. I can. I can. I can.

I keep telling myself this over and over and over.

I have to remember that there is a plan in store for me. I have hopes and dreams, and I'm not letting this little bump in the road ruin it for me. It might take me longer to get where I want to be, but I know I can still do it. And even though it's hard right now, I know it won't always be this way. This too shall pass. My mom told me this as her wise sage advice before she died, and it has become my mantra these last few months.

I'm glad to see how much my family cares about me and how much they support me. I'm lucky to have great friends who give me motivation to keep it up and keep moving forward. I'm glad I have great kids that handle this well, and will talk to me about it. And I'm glad for all the lessons I've learned up to this point in my life to prepare me for this. It's all about the plan, and doing it.

Big D

Well, I'm sure the news has made it through most of the family and friends by now.
Remember how I said things were changing up? Boy howdy, are they.

Sean and I are getting divorced.

I know, I know, pick your jaw up off the floor. It happens, people. Trust me, we have worked our butts off for years making it work. But honestly, the time comes when there is just no more to give, and it's time to cut your losses.

We are great friends. Always have been. Since Kindergarten, in fact. But sadly friendship doesn't always a great marriage make. We've known for a long time that things were "off", and we've even been separated a time or two. I'm sad to have to put this all out there, but I also need to get it out of my head, because as my loyal readers know, the voices, oh! the voices, they can really be annoying.

The kids are doing okay. I think they were surprised to hear it, but not really that surprised, since they had seen us drift apart over the past few months. I'm heartbroken that they will be children of divorced parents, but I'm also empowered knowing that they can see that as adults you can still communicate with each other without fighting, and that they can still be the most important things in our lives. I hope they know how much I love them.

There is obviously more going on here than I care to discuss on the blog at this time, but trust me, I can't keep anything inside for very long, so eventually it will all come out. Just do me a favor, and be supportive, mmkay? I need to hear that it will all be okay, and that I'm still a good mom, and that my kids won't be sociopathic screw-ups because their dad and I couldn't live together.

Changing Things Up

Sometimes things need to change. Not a matter of if, but of when. And sometimes those changes come at a price. Sadly, this is when you find out who really loves and supports you, and you find out who could care less.

Turns out I have a pretty awesome group of people that love me and support me.

I'm pretty dang lucky.

I'll post more details when I'm ready, but know that although so much has changed, there is still so much the same. Day to day stuff is the same. Kids are the same. Everything is basically the same. I'm still the same. But a few things are different, and it was time.

Baby?

What is it about puppies and babies? My heart melts. I love them. But a baby isn't something I'm game for right now, so it looks like a puppy won out.



Welcome John Wayne. He's our new beagle. He's absolutely adorable, and I'm pretty sure he's a genius. He can already go up the stairs, jump from couch to couch, and goes right in his kennel and curls up for the night. Those are all things Bebe, our stupid Shih-Tzu could never do.

I was worried that the first night or two would be rough, with a lot of whining and crying, but he only cried for a minute before we remedied that with a night light. Not too shabby.

Now on to potty training. Oy. Not a lover of this phase, especially with all the rain we're having lately. But at least it's not winter, so I don't have to stand out in the snow! Hopefully he'll feel my angst and pick right up on it. Beagles are notoriously smart, and notoriously stubborn, so we'll see which attribute wins out first. Let's hope for smart.

Open Dialogue

Around our house, we keep a very open dialogue about things. We've always taught the proper names of body parts, and keep a light yet educational mood when it comes to learning about life and our bodies.

Especially now that I have a Tween.

We tend to throw the word "Vagina" around a lot in this house. I mean, with 4 girls around, it tends to come up now and then. It comes up in the strangest places, though. Some of you know that my minivan is nicknamed the Vangina. So the kids sort of call it that, and I chuckle every now and then. Then there's the time Maggie and I were learning about China. Somehow it turned into VaChina. Yeah, so there's that. Then there's the time Maggie spilled water on her seat in the Vangina. She said it went onto her vagina, and asked if she watered it, if it would grow. That girl, she kills me.

Well, last night, Gretta got on a roll. She repeatedly had to go through the family stating who had a vagina. It was pretty hilarious, and I didn't want to scold her because I don't want her to think it's wrong, especially considering it's the correct term and all. But I don't want her to think she can just say it whenever she wants, because I know other people might not be as open about things as we are.

But for now, I'm just enjoying the innocence of a little one, and the fact that she's smart enough to know who keep the vaginas around here.

Well, The Food Storage Came In Handy

So you know that the world ends on Saturday, right? Yep, it does.

I'm currently finishing up my bucket list before I kick off this sad planet and jettison somewhere much more happening.

At least I got to see the season finales of most of my shows. That's a bonus.

I've had some seriously great family time the last few months, that should tide me over for a while in the hereafter.

Dang, I had just gotten a decent clientele at work. Oh well. Whaddya do?

My food storage situation is golden. I'm pretty sure we could go 2 more days on our stores of noodles and beans.

We don't have any student loans to pay off, so that's good. Or not good. Eh, either way, I guess.

I wish I'd been able to enjoy better weather before I head into the blinding white of heaven.

I might not be going to heaven. Hmm. I should work on that. Maybe I can cram for the next two days and just skim by.

I hope they have bowling in heaven. And ice cream. And coke. And books.

I guess mostly I'll try to make the best of the next couple of days, and live like I was dyin'. Did you see how I channeled Tim McGraw there? Yeah, I'm that awesome.