Alone

One thing I find myself saying a lot these days is that I can do this myself.  Most things I can.  But sometimes, the myself thing really pisses me off.  I get so caught up in doing things myself that I forget people are actually around to help me.  And they want to help.  And I should accept help. 

But I don't. 

Because I'm a jerk. 

There's just something about getting divorced that has made me want to show everyone that I can do every thing by myself all the time.  Is that too much to ask?   I think not.  But tell that to my brain, which tends to have a penchant for self-pity and doubt.  My poor poor brain.  It's up there, all alone in its little watery world, with no one to offer help.  And yet it keeps on going.  Doing what it does.  An island.  That's what I want to be.  An island.  But alas, no man...  blah blah blah. 

I've tried doing it alone.  It sucks.  I've tried putting up walls.  They suck.  Being alone sucks.  But being lonely sucks worse.  And I have to keep reminding myself that, like my brain, I have so many voices spurring me on, to overcome, to buoy me up, to make me happy.  And I need to let them.  I need to realize that alone and lonely are not the same thing. 

They aren't. 

And I'm not lonely.

I'm actually quite content.  My life is crazy, my phone is constantly buzzing, much to the chagrin of my present company, whomever it may be at the time, and I do know I have a great network of friends by my side.  This is what I've always wanted.  I'm not alone really, and I'm not lonely really.  I have to keep reminding myself too, that just because I'm not married anymore doesn't mean that I'm alone.  Marriage didn't define me, and being single won't define me either.  I will define me.  Me and me alone, will define me. 

Alone.  But not lonely. 

Changing The Way We Feel

Changes come in so many forms.  Divorce is really only one small part of the changes in my life lately.  But it seems to be the biggest.  I don't know if it's a midlife crisis kind of thing or what, but this new life has me pondering a lot on stuff.  Big stuff.  Like way big stuff.  Spiritual stuff, and personal stuff, and family stuff, and greater-than-me-or-anything-I-could-ever-imagine kind of stuff.  It's weird.  I'm in a weird mood.  And I'm also lacking spell check at the moment, so there's a good chance there will be lots of misspelled words.  Like misspelled.  Is that how you spell misspelled?  Now misspelled is looking weird no matter how I type it.  Sort of like when you say "though" a whole bunch of times in a row, it sounds weird. 

But I digress. 

Changes.  Yes.  I think we're all creatures of habit.  We like our comfort zones, we like autonomy, we like, dare I say it, monotony.  I know I do.  But it seems that lately everything, every day, in fact, is a fly by the seat of my pants kind of day, and it's getting exhausting.  I'm debating if I should take a digital diet.  You know, a day with no phone, no computer, no tv.  Could it even be done?  I doubt I could do it.  My phone is my lifeline.  I feel like I am working constantly, (which I am), and my phone keeps me tied to that.  I love my jobs, I truly do.  (I think I spelled truly right, didn't I?  I hate it when people spell it truelly.  Ugh.  So annoying.)  I love being crafty all day, and making people beautiful all night.  In fact, making women feel beautiful has become sort of a passion of mine.  Changes, you know.  Women need changes.  We need highlights, and layers, and therapy.  I hope I can just be a small part of that.  But as I've gone through all these changes, one thing I continue to come across is women with beauty issues.  We have the hardest time telling ourselves, and believing, that we're beautiful.  Why?  Ladies!  Stop it!  You are all beautiful!  Why can't muffin tops be sexy, you ask?  Well, they are.  Embrace it.  Why are wrinkles a sign of old age?  They aren't!  You earned them through years of smiling and laughter and tears and stress, all of which make you the amazing women you are.  It's all about the changes through life.  Divorce, marriage, children, stress, happiness, all sculpt and form you into wonderful people. 

Embrace the change.  It's the only constant we can count on, right? 

Finally

Well, it happened.  The divorce is final.  It's weird that it's over.  We were engaged to be married just about the same amount of time it took for us to get divorced.  I find that funny.  Not like ha ha funny, but like that's interesting funny.  I have to say, I miss marriage.  The normalcy of it all has left a huge void in my life.  I miss Sean and the way we were friends.  I miss having the family life that seemed so perfect.  But I don't miss the faking it, and the working endlessly at it, and the trust issues.  So all in all I think it is a good thing.  My new normal is still sinking in.  I still sometimes refer to myself as "we", not because of the voices in my head, but because "I" was "we", inclusive with Sean and the girls.  There is a lot more I've learned to do on my own.  Things that are hard, things that are easy, and things that I never had any idea I could do at all.  Those are all empowering things, I think. 

I've tried very hard to avoid being bitter about any of this.  I have good reason to be, and so does Sean.  I think we've succeeded so far, at least on the surface, but it has to start somewhere, right?  I debate even blogging about it, because divorce is such a personal situation and it is borderline private, even for me, who has a penchant for spewing forth every detail of my soul.  I do know that I will not drag anyone through the mud on this blog, myself included in that.  I am as much to blame for this as anyone else, and I totally own that.  I will remain focused on what makes me happy, and how my life will change as the months and years go by.  Just promise me you'll bear with me as I make those changes and start documenting all these new thougths and feelings as I go. 

Trust me, it will be worth it. 

I'm Sure You're All Wondering

I'm here.  I promise.  I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, although sometimes it feels like I have.  I have sort of become like a pioneer these days.  Except I have a car.  And I don't wear bonnets and crappy dresses.  But, since I don't have TV hooked up yet, or internet installed yet, and I'm building fires each morning to keep me warm, I totally feel like a really modern pioneer. 

The truth is, I'm working my ass off.  Literally.  I've lost 14 pounds since the divorce began.  Now there's a good diet, though I don't really recommend it.  I work at the salon in the mornings, and then I'm doing training in the evenings until 11:30 ish.  5 days a week, people.  That works out to be about 60 hours a week.  That is crazy.  Take that, and add on the flu, and boy howdy, I'm pretty much a mess. 

Thankfully I have this super short lesbian haircut to cut down on my "getting ready" time, which has really come in handy. 

As for life these days, each day is different.  Fly by the seat of my pants.  I miss the kids in my home every day, but we're all adjusting okay I think.  I miss the life I had before, but I'm enjoying the empowerment that comes from doing things myself, albeit hard and tear-filled most of the time.  I miss my mom daily, more now than ever I think, but I'm so grateful for my siblings and my dad and Noma.  They are all truly a blessing in my life.  I know they have a hard time with the situation, but they take it all with a smile and a knowledge that I've always been a free spirit, and this is no different.  They just support me,l and that's what I need. 

I hope you're all doing well, and I promise I will keep up better on the blog.  At least on my good days. 

Happy Days To Maggie

On October 7th Maggie had a birthday!  And got baptized the very next day!  I admit, it's hard doing the regular family things that normal families do when ours is so very different from what it used to be.  But it doesn't change the fact that I love my Maggie like crazy, and I'm so proud of her and the decision she made to get baptized.   She has great teachers, and Sean really worked with her to prepare her for the actual baptism.  She was pretty nervous about going under the water. But it all worked, and she did a great job. 

Now she's 8, I can't believe it, and she is just a sweet little lady. 

 All of us just moments before she was baptized.  I don't know what I'm doing leaning in like a dork, but the picture taker lady kept saying to squeeze in.  I think we had plenty of room.  ;)

Maggie and her dad.  She looked so sweet and innocent that day, as she does every other day of the year of course! 

Congrats to Maggie and a very happy birthday to her!  I love you, Moots!

Polar Opposite

You know what?  I think I might be bipolar.  No, for reals.  Like some days I'm on a super high high, and some days I just feel like I can't take One.More.Freaking.Thing.  Is it just me, or does everyone get like that?  

Oh, it's just me.  Great.  

But really, I think I'm doing okay considering all the changes that have happened the last few months.  I have a job(s) that I love, I'm doing what I love, and I'm happy in most areas of my life.  I've learned I have great kids, the best kids a gal could ever ask for, and that they are super strong.  My family is amazing, and even through all the change, they realize I'm still pretty much the same old me, just version 2.0, or something close to that.  

Divorce is never easy, neither is marriage.  I don't recommend divorce to most people, but if it's what will make things better in the long run, it's fine.  And it's funny how at the mention of the word "divorce" people instantly perk up; if they've been divorced.  Now I'm part of some weird club that I never knew existed and I can be among peers that have all been there done that.  It's nice.  But strange.  

I'm glad to know that I have great friends, and a great family, and great kids.  I truly am blessed, even through so many hard things. 

Doing It

You know, it's hard getting divorced. It is. You'd think I would have realized this before, but until you're in the middle of it all, you don't realize all the crap that comes along with it.

This has nothing to do with me and Sean, we get along well, it has more to do with me. I've been taken care of most of my life by someone else, and I've taken it for granted all these years. This is the first time in about 20 years that I've had to stress about money and time management, and calling here and there and making sure this and that get taken care of. I've said it before, and I'll say it again....

Being a grown up is hard.

But there is an upside to all this. I feel pretty empowered knowing I can do these things on my own. The first time I used my very own debit card, and it worked, I nearly cried. The first time I called about a bill that had been paid but not shown as such, and got it taken care of, I nearly yelled in victory. I can do this. I can. I can. I can.

I keep telling myself this over and over and over.

I have to remember that there is a plan in store for me. I have hopes and dreams, and I'm not letting this little bump in the road ruin it for me. It might take me longer to get where I want to be, but I know I can still do it. And even though it's hard right now, I know it won't always be this way. This too shall pass. My mom told me this as her wise sage advice before she died, and it has become my mantra these last few months.

I'm glad to see how much my family cares about me and how much they support me. I'm lucky to have great friends who give me motivation to keep it up and keep moving forward. I'm glad I have great kids that handle this well, and will talk to me about it. And I'm glad for all the lessons I've learned up to this point in my life to prepare me for this. It's all about the plan, and doing it.