Tuesday, March 3, 2009

It's One Of Those Days

I can't get a grip today. There will be lots of tears today. I can tell when it starts out first thing in the morning that things are just going to go downhill, and fast.

It started last night. I had just settled in for a nice book and a warm blanket, when Sean came calling me downstairs for a surprise. Of course I couldn't resist, so I marched down there with much anticipation. I had received a letter! I love mail. Inside this letter, was a simple bracelet. It immediately sent me over the edge.

It was my mom's. It has a "P" and a bee on it. She used to wear it all the time. Meg is so sweet to think of me, and knows how much I need to feel close to her. So this meant crying myself to sleep last night. Not an unusual occurrence. But it's the waking up with tears flowing that makes the days hard. There just isn't much that can get me up out of this funk on a day like today. Better to just stay inside and not have to face the world.

Have I mentioned I hate being a grown up? Some days I think I can't deal with it all. I think it's just too much to handle. I hate all the hard decisions, and the despair that comes along with being grown up. Things seemed so much simpler before. Before what? I couldn't exactly say. Before I moved away, probably. Before she died, certainly. You know my first reaction after the strep diagnosis yesterday was to pick up the phone and call my mom. I knew exactly what she would say. I could practically hear the sympathy in her voice. There is no one to call that can take that place.

People my age shouldn't be dealing with the loss of a parent. Especially the loss of a parent in such a manner as hers. I know I'm not the only one that has had to do it, but some days it feels like I am.

Sorry for the pity party. It's just one of those days.


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