Monday, February 22, 2010

Round Two, I Guess

So for those of you that follow me on Facebook, which is probably all of you, you know I had a really bad day on Saturday. I seem to be on a two month delay when it comes to reacting to my shit-storm inundated life. That makes me seem crazy to those around me. But it's completely normal to me.

Saturday was just the day. It hit, and it hit hard. I mean, I've felt it coming on for a week or so, you know, the sleepless nights, the raging mood swings, the not giving a crap about anything around me. Yeah, those are the usual suspects when it comes to heralding a mental breakdown.

So Saturday, I knew it was going to blow, so I headed off to the library, because really, is there a better place to vent anger and frustration and tears than in a silent room filled with looky-loos? I probably could have chosen a better place, but I obviously wasn't in my right mind. So I stayed until it closed. Then I had to find somewhere else to go.

I went and saw my mom. She looks the same. She hasn't changed at all. And as I sat in the cold grass sobbing at her headstone, the thought came to me that her death was the easiest part of this turn my life has taken. My ever insightful brother said last night that if someone had told him that, he would have punched them in the teeth (but he wouldn't really, he's too nice. And just gay enough that it would have come out more like a bitch slap than a punch. Love you, bro).

And then I drove. And drove. And just kept driving. Because I didn't really have anywhere I wanted to go, and I didn't really want to deal with anyone. I ended up at Barnes and Noble, again, poor choice, but I love books, what can I say? I wandered and pored over various self-help books, sex books, business start up books, and ultimately Law School admission requirement books. I figured if anyone saw me crying over a law book, they would just assume it was tears of boredom.

But then I got a text from Sean. He'd been worried about me. He asked if he could come and get me. And honestly folks, I was in no condition to be on the road. It was that bad. My mind was not right.

I was so thankful for him at that moment. He came and got me, we had some dinner, and we chatted about all the things that were swimming through my crazy head. I cried at dinner, too. But we talked, and it felt good. He didn't judge me, or try to fix me, he just let me be crazy, then he brought me home, tucked me in bed, and let me sleep it off until later the next morning. That is love, right there.

Part of my struggle has been my upcoming talk for this Sunday. I have been asked to speak on humility. I'll be honest, the wounds are still a little fresh, and it brings tears to my eyes to even think about what I'll talk about. What do people want to hear? How my mom died, I completely lost it and wanted to end it all, lost my house, and lost a job, and worked all these years only to be starting over? I don't want pity, but talk about being humbled. I'm sure it will come to me, what I'm supposed to say, but for now, I'm just hoping round two is it, and round three is nonexistent.

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13 comments:

Sara said...

Wow. When it rain is pours...really. Like you, I feel like the last few years have left some serious bruises. A full-blown breakdown and opportunity to let it all out is often all we need. Sounds like you have great support. Hang in there. (Speaking in church is enough to send me into panic attack!)

Kalli Ko said...

Speaking in church is like the icing on the cake. When I got called into the RS presidency after all that was going on in my life I felt like dying because I felt like a hypocrite to be honest. How was I supposed to love and serve when my life seemed to be falling apart at the seams? But to be honest, it helped me so much and was such a blessed distraction that I cried when we moved and I lost the calling.

I won't say that I get how you're feeling, but I know how my experiences affected me and it suuuucked.

Hang in there, normal does come again. Though I'm still waiting... :-)

The Patterson's said...

What a great hubby you have though. Most men would have run away as fast as they could. Doug has a name for my crazy breakdown other personality. He calls her Marissa. I know sounds crazy. Hope there are better things on the horizon for you guys. I'm sending good vibes your way.

Lacey Fay Cottrell said...

Oh Keli, I wish I could treat you to some good ole culvers, too fattening icecream, with a side of fries to boot!! I have a problem of always bottling up my frustations which is not good. Maybe it's some pride of mine or I just haven't scored that tell all friend yet, or they are just too far away to get into it with...good thing there are great husbands who care huh!!! I'm thinking about ya!!!

Ryan and Carli said...

I'm sorry Keli! You're in my thoughts and prayers...

nikkipicky said...

You know I get the whole be alone with your thoughts and suffering thing. But it really doesn't work as good as being with someone.

I am always available!! (The joys of having older children and a husband who works crazy hours) Your really should come by...call..phone..text..whatever. I am always good for a cry fest with chocolate or whatever the body craves. Chips and Salsa from Chili's...you get my meaning.

mandee said...

Keli, how I love you so much! I always feel better after a meltdown and I have had my share! You are an amazing woman who can do anything! You will find a way to harness your feelings and continue through this difficult time! I know it! Love you a lot!!

LIZ said...

Keli, I totally understand how your feeling. I went through something really close to that when we moved here. Moving 5 times in 2 years, leaving my family and life behind, not having a place to call home, buying a house that needed so much work that I never thought we would be able to get it all done (which we still haven't), then that house getting flooded and feeling the whole time that i'm alone and had no one to talk to or call a friend.

Just remember what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I know it's hard but we need these trials to help remind us that the lord is there for us and we need to lean on him and trust in him. I love you so much and feel for you and your family. You are a wonderful person and you will be blessed for your perseverance. Hang in there!!!

*** HUGS *** HUGS *** HUGS *** HUGS *** HUGS ***

Christian and Karen Robinson said...

Keli! Next time head over to a place like Chucky Cheese and stand in the center and scream. I bet not one person would even give you a second look - you'll just sound like one of the many!

P.S. My breakdown was last night. Why? I couldn't say. My husband kept asking what was wrong. I kept saying, "I don't know" - but I did want him to fix it. hahaha Nothing like making my poor hubby run around in the dark, trying to fix something when he isn't told what's broken, and his wife is just lying in bed, crying.

Larissa said...

Girl! I get it...the working hard for something and then starting over part. It's extremely hard and it sucks and it is overwhelming at times. And, it is a huge trial of your faith. You will get through this and you will have a new awareness of what others are going through because of it. Someday, somewhere, you will realize why you went through what you did. And, you will realize you are a survivor and the pain has slowly dissipated. Hang in there.

Kelli said...

I wish I could have said it like Larissa! You will get through it and look back on it and realize how much you learned. Don't forget, we love you and we are so glad you are home!

And, Troy loves you too!!! (well, I am not sure now after what you said. haha)

Kirsten said...

We keep praying for you and your family! We love you all so much and can't wait to see you all again, soon.

Kelley Rae said...

Love you, praying for you, and wishing I were a better friend and knew what I could do to help. You have more strength than you realize - hang in there :)